I loved Love for as long as I can remember. Which was around 8 years old. It was my birthday and we were spending it at my mom's boyfriend, mom's house (????) watching Titanic on VHS. It had to be the first movie i ever paid attention to because i remember what every scene felt like to me. Of course, i grew up and was extremely devastated after learning that the movie was just some shitty ass made up love story and also, on the actual boat they didn't allow black people on it either. However, the movie Titanic set a tone for my life. After that, i was love songs and romanticizing every experience i had ever since ...
Except now, i don't think i ever really been in love with anybody before, seeing that i consider myself a hopeless romantic and a "relationship coach". With maturing my self awareness, and learning more about relationships, the only relationship where i thought i was ever truly in love for many, many years of my life, i realized was a very toxic and damaging experience to my emotional wellness. For so long, (with my subconscious mind in tow) i believed that how we felt, and the things we did, the love we made (which she's still in my top 3) was what real authentic love felt and looked like. We had bad times of course but i chunked that to the game plus back then, women were always giving me problems (granted, they had reasons to) so i was use to the "bitching". Only now to discover that, despite the "soulmate" bullshit we were on, that whole 7 years, off and on, Long distance relationship was the most painfully afflicting experience to happen to my mind and my emotions. The fucked up part is, I'm only figuring that out now.
Between dating her and other people, no one ever truly had a fair chance at loving me. For one, i was bias toward any woman that didn't trigger me like she would trigger me. Secondly, again we were on "Soulmate" shit so i felt like no matter who i was with, i belonged to her. She could call and tell me she was at the airport and i'd tell whatever lie i could to whomever i was with to go pick her up, type shit. Thirdly, i had been harboring that pain from that relationship for so long i couldn't get close emotionally with anybody honestly. My mind was fucked because i conditioned myself to think and believe that , i wasn't ever going to fall in love again if it wasn't her. ( All of that was extremely unfair to any woman i have ever romantically been with or have had sex with, and i apologize to anyone i hurt in my process.)
So, yea... I never been in love before however, i think i'm falling for myself. Not that surface level falling bullshit that you find on social media but really deep falling like, i started doing things i loved as a child, blended in with my present habits and interest and then, i saw HER. Her as in ME and she was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a very long time. She was vibrant, and keeping it playa, i had to ask her (i asked myself) "Do you want me?". Me being me and acting light skinned, didn't respond but i knew the answer was yes. We started to do things together, shared interest and figuring out new hobbies. We started our business together, and she has been riding for since i found her.
Maybe this is what real love feels like but i don't hurt as much anymore. I wake up and choose HER everyday. Unconditionally. Some days i fall short of course, i wouldn't be human if i didn't. I be wanting to give up on her, but she reminds me why i never should. She's nice to me and i'm learning to be nice to her.
Agape', a greco-christian term referring to love, "the highest form of love". The word embraces, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance. The kind of love that God has for man and man has for God but we are GODs. We are our own abundance of unconditional love, the universe just services us as we weather through that.
I made myself an Author Alter Ego named Agape' because everything i write or create is for to resilient and unconditional love i have for myself and the world. The more i love the world, the more i love me. I always want to do both.
Peace & Vibrations <3
Agape', The Love Activist